He Who Has Many Eyes and other knitting fables

Ewan loved the new ski mask he'd made so much that he wore it everywhere, until the day he wore it into a bank and everyone overreacted. He didn't understand what the fuss was about. As he later disgustedly told his cellmate in holding, sure he'd had a ski mask on and a shotgun in his hand, but as everyone knew, Colorado was both a great place to ski and an open carry state.

During the subsequent trial Ewan got a lot of social media support from many fellow ski mask lovers, which he really appreciated, but also some less welcome overtures from other mask devotees, such as the guy who referred to himself He Who Has Many Eyes. But then, Ewan reflected, when you become a public figure during a fight for justice, there were bound to be some freaks coming out of the woodwork who didn't really understand the cause.

After the trial, Ewan yielded a point and quit wearing his ski masks into banks, liquor and convenience stores, and the like, but he insisted that his two sons continue to wear their sweater and ski mask sets to school. They'd never learn rugged individualism any younger.

Far from being embarrassed by the onset of puberty, Imogene not only embraced and broadcast it but continued to do so long after she was past adolescence.

A serious yardage miscalculation and reckless overuse of yarn at the beginning end of her project led Shea to run out of yarn long before her dress was finished, but she felt that, with the addition of a crocheted modesty panel made from the leftover scraps, the old window sheer she'd had lying around did very nicely for the skirt.

Kesia loved her new meditation suit. The hip pads helped her to sit upright and the detail over her navel area helped her remember to focus her energy on her hara.

Leonora took the next step in her quest to simplify her life when she did away with backpacks by beginning to knit backpacks into all her sweaters. Her next task, she decided, would be to figure out how to do without shoes.

Nyssa wasn't about to compromise her sense of style by wearing knitted caps in cold weather. Wearing knitted wigs with coordinated lipstick was just as warm and much more distingueée.

After his 325th viewing of A Clockwork Orange, Denny put together a Halloween costume to pay tribute to his favourite movie. His friends told him it was very Bauhaus, then directed him into the women's washroom just to be jerks.

Eulalie's new line of gravewear-inspired lingerie didn't seem to be taking off.

Stash the Movie and Other Knitting Fables

Jerome was trying to popularize the new extreme sport he'd invented and called "blind biking", but it didn't seem to be taking off.

Martina and Boris felt that their ballet corps' new costume designer hadn't quite grasped the concept of the classic pas de deux.

Ursula's latest design represented the tragic plight of a late season dandelion that had barely survived an encounter with a lawn mower, and was also designed to help its wearer survive a heat wave without air conditioning.

When Raphaela's first knitting project didn't turn out well and even her attempts at darning over her mistakes proved an embarrassment, she found a way to make it wearable. Her knitting circle urged her to rip it out and begin again, but Raphaela's life philosophy was all about moving forward, not do overs.

Marnie considered knitting to be a time sink. Macramé was much more her speed, particularly if she could stay in perpetual motion while she was wearing it so that no one would have a chance to assess her work.

When Creighton decided to take up hiking, she knitted a hiking costume that would double as a two-piece sleeping bag, and then had her staff roll out a custom-fitted white carpet before her in order to keep the soles of her boots clean as she walked in the woods. People had always said that her life of extreme privilege as the daughter of a multi-billionaire who owned and lived on his own island (populated only by his employees) had unfitted her for real life, but they didn't know how practical and creative she could be.

After Gavin made one too many comments about his girlfriend's inability to finish any of the knitted items she'd promised him, he suddenly found himself standing outside her apartment wearing her entire pile of unfinished projects while the apartment door slammed shut and noisily locked behind him.

Everyone told Coral that her new knit dress was really very cute and sharp in itself and needed no special styling, but she thought she couldn't consider the look complete without some really special, head-turning millinery.

"Stash", the titular character from the new craft-themed horror franchise Stash, got a great reaction from the audience during test screenings. Knitters and crocheters in the audience especially reported that he definitely played upon their worst craft room fears.

"Stitch Ripper Face" also proved popular with test audiences, but the producers and director of Stash decided to reserve him for a later movie.

Creative Anagramming and Other Knitting Fables

When Mike Palesell's girlfriend gave him a sweater with his name spelled out in floral letters on the back, he made it a little more wearable and more his style by rearranging the letters of his name.

Troy had asked his grandmother for "a classic cable or argyle sweater" for Christmas, but it did not end well. He envied his buddy Mike for his sweater's creative anagramming potential.

When the Sleepyside High School basketball team couldn't raise enough money for new uniforms, the Sleepyside Junior Fingerknitting Club came to the rescue.

Helen and Lois were pretty sure their knitwear was much too chic for whatever Carol Burnett sketch they'd just wandered into.

While Helen and Lois argued their point with Carol Burnett, Estelle awaited her debut as the latest Carol Burnett Show sketch character, a long-lost member of "Mama's Family".

Sam thought that his macramé corset was a brilliant way to show support for feminism, but his sister suggested that there were better and more productive ways to show support, such as putting an immediate stop to all his frequent "women are crazy" jokes.

Viola's original idea for knitting a faux fur shrug into her pullover had lost something in its execution because she had gotten confused as to which end was the top of the sweater and which was the bottom.

Jared felt that there was no need to deny either his love for the macabre or his past as a member of the Mickey Mouse Club.

Paige commemorated the happiest day of her life by knitting all her leftover wedding decorations and favours into a sweater. She was thrilled with the result, and even more delighted when she managed to coordinate the look with pink-soled, pink-laced, clear vinyl Doc Martens and frilled yellow ankle socks, but her friends wondered if they should start planning some kind of intervention. After all, it had been three years since Paige's six-month marriage ended in divorce.

Zima's crocheted spiderweb Halloween costume had been such a hit that she'd started wearing it out clubbing as well. Everyone had to admit she carried it off much better than they ever would have thought possible.

The Mysterious Case of the Amoebas and the Staircase and Other Knitting Fables

Cybil had always thought that if she were Scheherazade, she would enchant the Shah by mesmerizing him with her knitwear rather than by telling stories.

Marguerite and Barton liked to wear outfits that not only matched each other's but also evoked the brickwork, chrome, and black leather decor of their condo.

Rusty and Henrietta had no qualms about letting the world know about their poultry fetish cosplay.

Geraldine saw herself as an über mother, who knitted her own styling pantsuits and dragged her daughter Jemima to the top of mountaintops to show her what she could achieve while simultaneously looking fabulous. Her friends and family, who had repeatedly tried and failed to convince Geraldine to dial it back a little for pity's sake, had been secretly contributing to a therapy fund for Jemima for years.

Twyla had always had a fondness for the halcyon days of 1980s knitwear, when it was an unwritten rule that one must style one's hair in geometric shapes that coordinated with one's knitwear and jewelry.

Paulette, self-published author of many mystery novels, liked to knit whenever she was having problems with her current manuscript. This was the sweater she had produced while working on The Mysterious Case of the Amoebas and the Staircase, and she hardly knew which creation she was prouder of.

Errol felt one was never too old to enjoy the Harry Potter series. As he liked to explain to others, he still enjoyed it just as much as when he was a kid, but now he'd moved on to doing so in a very adult way -- that is, one with much more depth and nuance.

Alastair decided he need to stop inviting Errol to his backyard crafting cosplay events. Sure, Errol always kept to the letter of Alastair's rule that all guests must show up in costumes they had made themselves, but he always got the tone wrong.

Lena had hoped that wearing what was essentially a crafted lampshade on her head would help make her the life of Alastair's party, but here she was, a painfully shy wallflower yet again.

Melba decided to wear the costume she had created for her role as Nick Bottom in her women's college stage production of Midsummer Night's Dream to Alastair's party.

The Four Crocheteers and Other Knitting Fables

Edie had expected finishing her new Tutti Frutti top would cheer her up and help her forget that she'd flunked out of beauty school, but it hadn't done the trick.

Carmel felt that the drama of the glorious cascade of yarn attached to her shoulder by way of a brooch more than made up for the fact that she had forgotten to wear her "nice undies" as she had intended.

After her manager strenuously objected to her visible undies as workplace attire, Carmel came up with a new look. People in the marketing department were always told they should be positive, and what could be more positive than an outfit inspired by cheerleading pom poms?

Triplets Bill, Phil, and Dill loved to knit, but they had not spend so much time at the gym honing their physiques only to cover them up with knitwear.

The craft club best known as the Four Crocheteers weren't such gym rats as Bill, Phil, and Dill, and were therefore more inclined to go free form when practicing the needle arts.

By contrast, the knitting club known as the Kneurotic Knitters used their knitting to veil their insecurities. You don't think their ankles look fat in these outfits, do you?

Giselle always reserved one outfit for those days when she felt more than usually Kafakesque. Her Penal Colony outfit was an even more dramatic, fun look than her Metamorphosis outfit, but also more cumbersome.

Verna loved wearing her new sweater design while wearing housework. Being able to use one's sweater as both a duster and a pot scrubber was such a timesaver.

Jackson was positive his new sperm outfit would do wonders for his social life. Chicks dig a man who's able and willing to give them babies, right?

Zed oozed so much cool, he could even wear his new hoodie dress like a boss.